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  Moms with Grown-Up Children

trsssm


 
 
How to give tuff love
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on Sep 19, 2011 (Read 19376 times | Comments: 28)
I have a question to all Moms. Heres the situation, then please give advice, Im beyond knowing what to do anymore! I married the greatest guy 3 yrs ago! Between us we have 5 kids. Mine are 23 and 15 and live with us, his are 20 (lives on his own) and 11 and 9 and live with their mother. The problem is my 23 yr old, he has had 2 DUI's before he hit 19, got caught driving with suspended license 3 times, drug paraphinalia and weed in the vehicle one of those times, all this within the past 4 yrs or so. He had moved out when he was 18, I had GIVEN him free of charge my GMC Jimmy, he lost that in one of the pull overs, cops took it, lost his job, apartment, has racked up thousands in fines, will cost him thousands to get his license back etc. So the last time he got caught he did 2 months in jail so we let him come stay with us to "get back on his feet", this was 7 mnths ago. He works making $7 an hr, we have to get him there, he drinks every night, pays no bills, no fines....
trsssm
trsssm
on Sep 19, 2011 Quote  »     Reply  »

sorry had to continue too much to put all on that page........he is on probation, didnt complete his community service because he found work and decided he didnt have to, so just went back to court for that. We didnt make him pay any rent etc so he could save up his $$ to get out, but its like he has gotten so comfy and is going to make no effort to make a move. Weve had talks with him a few times, and nothing changes. He comes up with tons of hairbrain ideas how hes going to do this or do that and its so far fetched you want to shake him and say grow the hell up. I didnt raise this child this way, he saw me bust my butt as a single mom for years working hard, he knows what he has to do to make things work. So what do we do....toss him out on his butt with nothing and stress everynight??? This is killing us financially, emotionally, etc, but hell it cant go on forever.........advice please!
trsssm
trsssm
on Sep 19, 2011 Quote  »     Reply  »

sorry had to continue too much to put all on that page........he is on probation, didnt complete his community service because he found work and decided he didnt have to, so just went back to court for that. We didnt make him pay any rent etc so he could save up his $$ to get out, but its like he has gotten so comfy and is going to make no effort to make a move. Weve had talks with him a few times, and nothing changes. He comes up with tons of hairbrain ideas how hes going to do this or do that and its so far fetched you want to shake him and say grow the hell up. I didnt raise this child this way, he saw me bust my butt as a single mom for years working hard, he knows what he has to do to make things work. So what do we do....toss him out on his butt with nothing and stress everynight??? This is killing us financially, emotionally, etc, but hell it cant go on forever.........advice please!
lisashepherd
lisashepherd
on Sep 19, 2011 Quote  »     Reply  »

I would put some basic rules in place. Just like when he was underage. Give him a curfew, make him give you gas money, and do not allow any alcohol or drugs in your house. If he doesn't like it then he can move. Yes you will stress out and worry every night, but I'm sure you are already doing that with him drinking every night as well. Explain to him you will help him in every way you can, but you need some type of commitment. Write out a contract, what you and your husband do/ will do for him and then have him do the same. If the contract is broken, then his free rent will stop as well. my step son is 16 and my son is 14, so I don't have any experience there, but this would be something I would try if I were in your shoes. Good luck and pray. Just never let him forget how much you love him. Tell him everyday.
Badgerfanz
Badgerfanz
on Sep 19, 2011 Quote  »     Reply  »

The party is over my dear....time to lay down the rules and regulations. This kid is never going to change unless you start outlining what can and cannot be done - YOUR house Your rules. Much as I hate to say it if he does not want to abide by them you have to point to the door. It is hard and not easy but this is going to go on like a re-run from the 1960's if you don't put your feet down and down hard. Also sounds like he needs help for alcohol treatment and counseling. Since he is under your care - check with your health insurance as he can be covered until age 26. He may have to go into detox for some time. Or call you county for such services too! Good luck!
leahpet
leahpet
on Sep 06, 2012 Quote  »     Reply  »

your child you should love unconditionally,but you dont want to pamper them because they need to take care of themselves out in the real world when the time is right.have him at least help out around the house with chores for starters to earn his keep and see how that goes.
gerlyn6
gerlyn6
on Sep 07, 2012 Quote  »     Reply  »

ok...all the above are where you can start today...yes today...you sound as fif you can't continue on this path..we teach people how to treat us...start....write the rules and paper for you guys and him..that solidifies it for you all...and consequences ...yes as if he is a child...work on the insurance end...see if he will be covered to go to a detox..they work hand in hand... while waiting to get him in to a detox ..because theres no garantee there is a bed for him..start with rules...yes detox has to come first... remember manipulation is part of addiction...yes you are looking at a child who has addiction...you all are in for a bumpy ride ....its do-able.... but all have to face everything to now is addiction and you have to be willing to face, support, protect, and each other...alanon would be helpful for family members and learning about addiction will help you all....sounds like the addict will not be receptive to much ....but gather up your arsenal of help ...
jodie1964
jodie1964
on Oct 16, 2012 Quote  »     Reply  »

I'm replying because I have a son who hasn;t quite gone as far as your son but he has been involved in drugs, fathered 3 children that aren;t well supported, has ADHD, many issues. Recently the girlfriend kicked him out after he lost his job and nobody in the family would let him move in with them. There has been major manipulation and lying going on for years. He had to move in with a friend and either work or not eat which is what he has been doing. Very, very hard to do as a parent but it's the best thing. I've had lengthy education about co-dependency and it is very true that when you change what you do, he will change also. He will have no choice.
susie56
susie56
on Apr 29, 2013 Quote  »     Reply  »

I have three grown children, and I do know where you are coming from. I don't know what to tell you. All the advice from others sounds good. I will be praying for you and your son. Good luck with what ever you have to do.
Niki007
Niki007
on May 09, 2013 Quote  »     Reply  »

Well for some parents that have young children, this is a good example on why its easier to raise a child the to repair an adult...
pippilongstocking
pippilongstocking
on May 10, 2013 Quote  »     Reply  »

I can only imagine how heart-wrenching and frustrating this situation this is for you. My first question is, is his bio-dad of any help at all? If he has made himself unavailable, this is a lot to carry on your shoulders alone. I am sure you are concerned about this not only badly affecting the younger children in the home, but also your marriage. Your 23 y/o is a grown man, and is seen as such in the eyes of the world and law. It does sound as if he's nested in and is wasting this very gracious opportunity from you and your husband to get himself together and on his feet, which is his decision. You may want to consider giving him the ultimatum of moving out/changing the locks or going to rehab, on his dime or through public services funding or other non-profit organizations (there are some amazing Christian rehab services throughout the country that may help him make a real heart-change in addition to helping him overcome his addictive/destructive behavior)-.MORE BELOW-
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