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  Moms with Grown-Up Children

trsssm


 
 
How to give tuff love
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on Sep 19, 2011 (Read 19389 times | Comments: 28)
I have a question to all Moms. Heres the situation, then please give advice, Im beyond knowing what to do anymore! I married the greatest guy 3 yrs ago! Between us we have 5 kids. Mine are 23 and 15 and live with us, his are 20 (lives on his own) and 11 and 9 and live with their mother. The problem is my 23 yr old, he has had 2 DUI's before he hit 19, got caught driving with suspended license 3 times, drug paraphinalia and weed in the vehicle one of those times, all this within the past 4 yrs or so. He had moved out when he was 18, I had GIVEN him free of charge my GMC Jimmy, he lost that in one of the pull overs, cops took it, lost his job, apartment, has racked up thousands in fines, will cost him thousands to get his license back etc. So the last time he got caught he did 2 months in jail so we let him come stay with us to "get back on his feet", this was 7 mnths ago. He works making $7 an hr, we have to get him there, he drinks every night, pays no bills, no fines....
pippilongstocking
pippilongstocking
on May 10, 2013 Quote  »     Reply  »

-CONT'D- While he is your child, he is not a child anymore, and you do have other minor children at home who need your attention as well as stability/peace in the home to consider. While this is not an emotionally easy decision for you to make, he is responisble for his own decisions and actions, and you are in essence enabling and funding his bad life choices, although I feel that is not your intention. I would highly recommend that you find immediately and join a group such as Al-Anon, where you can find support, resources and advice from others that have gone and are going through similar situations. The decision/process will be difficult for you emotionally to hold him accountable and push him back out of the nest and either get help or hit rock bottom until he sees a need for it.. -MORE BELOW-
pippilongstocking
pippilongstocking
on May 10, 2013 Quote  »     Reply  »

-CONT'D-Finally, the most important thing that you can do for your son, your other family members and yourself, is prayer, major prayer throughout the day and throughout the nights that you are worrying about him and can't sleep as well as reading the Bible, it too will give you much direction and understanding. Please remember to locate a local Al-Anon chapter in your area and connect with them (right away) and you will find a measure of peace and direction through this very valuable resource as well. If you wish, please keep us updated!
Girlbaby423
Girlbaby423
on May 11, 2013 Quote  »     Reply  »

I have to agree with most of the ideas & advice given. I am dealing with all most the same thing with my oldest son except he is 15. He's not drinking but has done drugs, is/was stealing from ppl at school & not doing his school work. Grades were dropping & he feels he is entitled to any a& everything he wants. He had a job & lost that due to his stealing & other trouble he was in. He has now been arrested twice & spent 1.5 mths in a Juvenile jail. We could have bailed him out but we were not taken the chances of him getting out & going right back to stealing again as the court was holding us for the bond of $1500 which bail was 10% $150 was not worth the risk of him getting in trouble & us having to pay for money that we don't have. I have 4 kids total & the other 3 were being pushed aside due to all the trouble my son has been in. He is on probation & has therapy 1 on 1 & group. We are trying everything we can to help keep him out of trouble but he's at an age where he has to show
Girlbaby423
Girlbaby423
on May 11, 2013 Quote  »     Reply  »

#2 sry ran out of room. As I was saying he has to show responsibility for his action. As your son is a grown adult & you have helped him the best you can you do have other children that need you & your time. I would call his probation officer & see what they recommend & either start charging him for rent & gas or tell him it's time for him to get out. Yes, even with my son being minor it's harder then hell but all they are going to is continue to walk all over us. When my son was locked up there was a lot of nights I cried & worried but he was the one that choose that path. I don't want to see my son doing these things & I am sure you either. But there is a certain point when we have to let their hands go & make them stand up for their actions. I would honestly tell him the rides over as he is a grown adult. I can't exactly tell that to my son but I do have option to work with if he were to continue his past behavior. My son has only been home 3wks & was told by his PO & school that
Girlbaby423
Girlbaby423
on May 11, 2013 Quote  »     Reply  »

#3 He was to attent school & face his responsibility's & to catch up with the almost 2 mths he missed plus move forward with current & daily assignments. He only has 7 wks to do this in. I didn't want him to return to school as I didn't think it was fair & he wasn't stable & I didn't want to see him go back to his old ways but I was told... " We can't keep them locked in a box forever & have to let them learn to survive life" as hard as it is I now am glad that he had to return to school. I worry everyday but if he can't take care of his own responsibility's now he's not going to be able to function or want to as an adult. MOM it's time to make him responsible for his life. Hang in there & stay strong but your other children need you more as they are still young. We have all had or been through hard times some where & we had to learn to handle was life throws at us. All you are doing in enabling him to be lazy & not try to his fullest. I am sure your son is a very smart man, it's
Girlbaby423
Girlbaby423
on May 11, 2013 Quote  »     Reply  »

#4 time he shows that to you & your husband. I wish you the best of luck & it's not easy but sometimes that "Tuff Love" is just what a person needs to get motivated. Your not alone in this, there are lots of ppl going through the same thing. Once again good Luck & I wish the best for you & your family.
mariedmandi
mariedmandi
on May 13, 2013 Quote  »     Reply  »

RULES! If he doesn't follow he's out... yep tough love!
angie1966
angie1966
on Aug 10, 2013 Quote  »     Reply  »

My son is in the same predicament. He lives in a halfway house but still comes to me for everything. Even though they find him day jobs and community service he is still trying and not succeding at growing up. He is 21, this all started after his dad died 3 days after his 18th bday. He wont go get help in dealing with this and is so stubborn. I have a live in boyfriend who used to be an MP. He does not have kids and doesn't understand that I can't just kick him out of my life. This is the hardest time I have ever been through. He does not understand the love a parent has for their child and he is my baby. I know that saying he is my baby is my worst problem. It is so hard to let him go. He has been to jail, work farms, rehab and now halfway house. I have to say this has helped him the most. He has a son who is getting ready to turn 3. I try to tell him, what is more important, drugs or your son. I know he is trying but he just isn't smart and lacks confidence.
angie1966
angie1966
on Aug 10, 2013 Quote  »     Reply  »
Originally posted by angie1966 » 
My son is in the same predicament. He lives in a halfway house but still comes to me for everything. Even though they find him day jobs and community service he is still trying and not succeding at growing up. He is 21, this all started after his dad died 3 days after his 18th bday. He wont go get help in dealing with this and is so stubborn. I have a live in boyfriend who used to be an MP. He does not have kids and doesn't understand that I can't just kick him out of my life. This is the hardest time I have ever been through. He does not understand the love a parent has for their child and he is my baby. I know that saying he is my baby is my worst problem. It is so hard to let him go. He has been to jail, work farms, rehab and now halfway house. I have to say this has helped him the most. He has a son who is getting ready to turn 3. I try to tell him, what is more important, drugs or your son. I know he is trying but he just isn't smart and lacks confidence.

I know how you feel and it is so hard to watch them go through this. All I can say is my prayers are with you.
homemaker-mom
homemaker-mom
on Feb 10, 2014 Quote  »     Reply  »

If he is the age he is he should be on his own. I know you love him but so far I think ( since your asking) you've already done to much to help him. He dug that whole to deep and needs to climb out without momma. Tell him no more drinking since he is making $7 an hour or your kicking him out. Tell him he must while under your roof pay down his debt and stop the drinking party every night other wise you will kick him out. If you have to kick him out GOOD cause he will not be comfy anymore and will have to make his own way. I wish you well with it all.
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