Moving In Together, Is It A Good Move?

   By drodriguez  Aug 21, 2008
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Ever since people started moving in with each other before marriage, researchers have been studying the effects. Years ago the idea of an unwed couple living together made many people uncomfortable and raised quite a few eyebrows.

Today, the idea of couples cohabitating has become a lot more common. According to a report by the National Marriage Project at New Jersey's Rutgers University more than half of couples in their first marriages lived together beforehand.

Reports that came out some 20 and 25 years ago revealed negative effects of living with a significant other before marriage. The divorce rate proved to be substantially higher than those who did not live together before marriage. Researchers today believe this was due to the fact that cohabitating couples back then were considered the rebels and may have not been interested in marriage to begin with.

As living together before marriage becomes more common, the more important it is for couples to discuss this exciting next step in their relationship. A recent CNN article discusses a few important things that couples should consider before taking the plunge. First, the reason for moving in together should be understood by both partners. Decide together whether this is the next step toward marriage or you are just doing it out of convenience and financial need.

Lee Richey, a marriage and family therapist, says a couple should ask themselves if they are going to truly commit to each other's well being on every level. If the answer is no, then they should reconsider the big move. Richey also suggests couples find a new place together rather than moving into their spouses already established place of residence. This will help to make the couple feel equal ownership over the space.

What do you think of moving in with a partner before marriage?

In what ways do you think this move could benefit or hurt a committed couple?

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kdka421 by kdka421 | BALLSTON LAKE, NY
Aug 27, 2008

I just wanted to post to say that things can work out well even if you don't live together before getting married. My parents didn't live together before getting married, and are still happily married 26 years later. My husband and I also chose not to live together before getting married, and although we've only been married just over a year, we don't feel any regret about our decision.

I think that in some cases, living together does turn out to be the key for learning or revealing things about your partner that you hadn't known, and can be important and maybe prevent you from making a bad decision. On the other hand, in an ideal world, 2 people in a strong, committed relationship wouldn't keep these kind of secrets, and no "major" things would be revealed once moving in together.

I personally think that if the two of you can commit to being fully 100% transparent while you're dating/engaged, there isn't any need to live together. If someone can't agree to that, perhaps living together will bring out the truth.

Magnoliadreams by Magnoliadreams | Sanford, FL
Aug 27, 2008

I feel it's a personal choice for each person, and that others should not be so critical and judgmental. I have lived with my boyfriend for over 8 yrs now, we act like a married couple, treat each other like a married couple, however marriage to us is more that the piece of paper you have to file with the court house. Much more. We never fight and hardly argue or disagree about anything, and we have a child together. My best friend on the other hand didn't live with the man she chose to marry and he's turned out to be an alcoholic, has a gambling addiction that's put them in severe debt, and he's never had a job in the 6 yrs they've been married.

It's a personal choice though, only you can make that choice, and everyone needs to keep in mind that what works for you, may not be what works for someone else and to be respectful and understanding.

Mellyanddon by Mellyanddon | PHILADELPHIA, PA
Aug 27, 2008

I lived with my Husband about a year before we got married, and I think it was a great learning experience. I hear of some couples who do not live together before marriage and end up divorcing within a few months because they didn't like eachothers odd habbits.

susanktz by susanktz | Lexington, NC
Aug 27, 2008

I agree with other posters.... depends on level of committment. If your ultimate goal is to get married, then I say yes... give it a try. I had lived on my own for 10 years. Then when DH and I got engaged, I sold my house very quickly and had to move in with him before the wedding. It was a very huge adjustment, but one we definately needed before getting married.

mariaboek by mariaboek | Chicago, IL
Aug 27, 2008

I did it, once we were engaged. We have been together 10 yrs, married for 7 yrs. But I don't think it made my marriage stronger. We did it out of ease. However, I think it gave me a better idea of what it would be living with my husband. I already knew I loved him and that he was not abusive in any shape. But once we started to live together--we assumed roles. Who was neat, who was messy? Would we be on each other about petty stuff? Would it be 50/50 on responsibilities? Who is going cook, clean, pay bills? Who doesn't care to lock the doors at night, who keeps their socks on the floor, Also, what it would be like when we did our separate things, like when my husband would go watch football with is friends. Anyway, I think having children is when married life gets more challenging.....

gettinrevvin by gettinrevvin | Shippensburg, PA
Aug 27, 2008

From a person that has started every relationship, thinking it was a good move; I believe now that it isn't. I should've done what I knew was right, from the beginning. Would not recommend 'living together' to anyone.

syion by syion | flint, MI
Aug 26, 2008

I think that it is a great idea. You get to know their habits and quirk. Me and my fiancee been living together for 6 months and it is a great experience for the both of us.

anstryd by anstryd | Morgan Hill, CA
Aug 26, 2008

I lived with my husband a few months before we got married. It is something that I recommend. We found out more about each others habits, and idiosyncrasies he had/or I that we were able to work on together. It taught us how to budget and talk about expenses together. It was a good test of our relationship prior to getting married.

cakegirlz by cakegirlz | Mason, TN
Aug 26, 2008

I've been married twice and did not live with my first husband before we got married, but I sure do wish now I would have. It may have saved me alot of grief later down the road. My second husband and I lived together for about 7 months before we got married and I'm so glad we did. I wanted to make sure that things weren't going to change as soon as we moved in together. And when we got married the only thing that changed was my last name and a ring. Life went on just as it had before we got married. So I think it settled both of our minds to live together first, because it is as the saying goes "you dont really know someone until you live them". I work for a divorce attorney and we see the devestation of a marriage gone wrong all the time, and almost always we here them say I wish we would have lived together first. MOVING OUT IS CHEAPER THAN A DIVORCE!!!

lwink29 by lwink29 | Copper Canyon, TX
Aug 26, 2008

I didn't live with my husband of almost 30 years before we were married. I have a 23 yr old daughter so I'll base my opinion with that in mind, if she wanted to live with her BF I wouldn't be opposed. I definitly think it would teach her a little more about people and life, the good and the bad that you have to live with in a marriage.

Salemsw by Salemsw | Millbury, MA
Aug 26, 2008

I lived with my hubby for 2 years and have been married for 15 years now it worked for us!!

Salemsw by Salemsw | Millbury, MA
Aug 26, 2008

I lived with my hubby for 2 years and have been married for 15 years-- I think you have to do whateva is good for you in either case!

kwajgranny by kwajgranny | Madison, IN
Aug 25, 2008

My husband and I lived together for about 1 1/2 yrs before we got married. I think couples should take their time and get to know each other and don't be in such a hurry. Develop a friendship first, then if they want to move in together to see if they are compatible for marriage they can. It takes a lot of work to stay married today and a lot of stress on couples. If they have a foundation of friendship, it will always be there even if it gets rough.

jmsargent by jmsargent | Honey Brook, PA
Aug 25, 2008

My husband and I lived together for 3 years before we got married. And let me tell you, I am glad, we were able to work all the kinks out in the beginning. This year, we are married for 10 years. I think we are a rare case, because a lot of times this type of living situation does not fair well with other couples.

jonescatnj by jonescatnj | MEDFORD, NJ
Aug 25, 2008

I lived with my husband almost five years before we were married. We got to know each others quirks really well before our big day and we had a lot of issues to work out since we are from different religious backgrounds. At times, I wondered if it was a good idea... was he holding out on proposing since we were living together? However, it's worked out. We've been married six years and have two wonderful children. I wouldn't recommend it for everyone but it worked for us.