Infertility Hurts

   By jokosworld  Nov 22, 2011

99% of the time I am at peace with my infertility.

I am okay that my one little boy, my miracle, will be my only child.

Then, that sneaky little 1% slithers in and my heart breaks into a thousand pieces. Many moms (especially 1st time moms) already have their canned answer for the question, "When will you have another?" I always thought I would have 2 kids. I never imagined raising an only child and always wanted a perfect little happy family. If I was lucky, a boy and a girl.

Those who have struggled with infertility get it. The frustration. The desperation. The hurt. The feeling that something critical is missing in your life. Make no mistake, I take nothing for granted when it comes to my son. I remember being pregnant like it was yesterday. I think I sometimes still feel the ghost kicks in my tummy. But, finally being able to get pregnant once, I got a little cocky. I figured it would be easy the 2nd time around. I did this once, I can do it again, right?

I had no idea how wrong I would be.

Even before my surgery this year to remove what I thought was just going to be a little endo scarring and an ovarian cyst, my husband and I made the decision that we would be done. This would be our choice and not the choice of a doctor or my body. We didn't want to have to endure two years of not seeing 2 lines on those dang tests. We didn't want to go through another miscarriage. We didn't want to spend the money on extreme fertility treatments. We were done.

I had no idea how final those words would be.

Waking up from surgery, my doctor came up to me with the sympathy face and in my haze, even I understood when she said they had to take the ovary that our decision was now set in stone. Being down an ovary, the damage caused by the endometriosis and the risk of its return if I am untreated determined my sentence.

Those who do not know what happened to my poor battered insides still ask the question, "When are you going to give Jack a sibling?" Or make comments such as, "Wow, that boy needs a brother or sister to play with." Then there are those who know what happened and still have the audacity to ask, "Well you still have one good ovary, right?" Um. It's not just an ovary issue, it's an endo issue. So, as "at peace" as I like to think I am with our fate, the questions still sting. They are constant reminders of how I can't have any more children and there are no other alternatives (at least ones that normal people like us can afford).

I try to recall and hang onto every moment with Jackson, all the way back to my pregnancy. I'll never get to experience any of it again and I never want to let go of how magical it all is. Being a mom is amazing and I feel so lucky to get the chance to be one at all.

So before you open your mouth to ask a mom any of the above-mentioned questions, try to remember that not every woman is a child making machine like Michelle Duggar and think about how deeply personal that question actually is.

Make a Comment

angelabrooks by angelabrooks | CEDAR RAPIDS, IA
Dec 03, 2011

I have always wanted children my whole life. When I was little I wanted only to grow up and be a wife and a mommy. My husband and I have tried for 8 years now with no luck. @ years ago we found out I have a pititary tumor which wrecks havok on my hormones. I have steadily taken my meds to no availe. We still pray that some day we will get lucky. We wanted to have a big family but no we would be happy with just one.

tryston1 by tryston1 | Milaca, MN
Nov 23, 2011

i was in my early twenties after 2 amazing children that i was told i could not have another and barely lived through the second childbirth because i have placenta accreta. Being told you can not have another child is the most devastating thing a women can go through. My sister also has the same disease and she has adopted from india and i have the cutest little niece. I just wish it wasnt so expensive.

taletreader by taletreader | Hickory, NC
Nov 23, 2011

I'm 20 years old and was declared infertile due to endometriosis and cervical issues. The only thing that consoles me is the fact that I know I can adopt later in life and give a child a beautiful family which they deserve.

Lindse94 by Lindse94 | WYOMING, PA
Nov 22, 2011

It is a sad scene that other moms don't think through their comments. Infertility is heartbreaking and salt in the wounds don't help.

Janwue by Janwue | NORTH ANDOVER, MA
Nov 22, 2011

I understand where you are coming from. Once at a party, a woman kept proding me about having a baby. After her nonstop badgering, I tearfully told her "I'm having issues with that right now". I left the party in tears. I hope she learned a lesson and has NEVER asked those questions to anyone else.

arkies by arkies | GOODLETTSVLLE, TN
Nov 22, 2011

I understand,except we never carried to term.Yrs of infertility($ &effects on my body!),miscarriages,failed domestic adoption.Folks usu. mean well,they don't THINK &don't know what we have been thru.The most hurtful comments come from family! They DO know! I try to be forgiving &escape hurtful comments ASAP! I can't end w/o sharing God blessed us w/ the children He meant for us!Weadopted 2 baby girls internationally.I forget I didn't give birth to them-I love them SO much!(International adoption comes w/ its own set of rude/crude questions/comments.That's a whole other story!) As blessed as I am,I daily think of the babies we lost.I physically yearn for them,even tho I never held them.I try not to focus on "grief",but the joy they gave.I know some day I will see them again! I can't imagine getting thru life experiences like these w/o FAITH! The more forgiving we can be to those who make these comments,the healthier we will be.They know not what they say or do.

cocoabella by cocoabella | EL PASO, TX
Nov 22, 2011

I feel you, my heart breaks for you. My son is a miracle baby who survived a miscarriage in which I lost the other twin. He was conceived after long and drawn out fertility treatment. I treasured his each and every step as he grew up. You were blessed to have your baby, that it happened prior to your surgery. That is your blessing, I am sure you realize it even as you mourn the loss to now conceive.