To say I am suffering from sleep deprivation would be an understatement! As many of you know, I am mother to a 21 month old and a 3 week old. Uh yeah, I'm sure you can imagine what my nights look like! The past two nights have been very challenging despite the upteen cups of coffee I've been chugging. My little peanut hasn't been sleeping too well the past couple of nights due to some feeding issues. She makes this blood-curling shrill that has the ability to break glass! I'm sure you can guess what happens next...yep! My eldest wakes up from all of the noise and she is NOT a happy camper either! One morning, I had just fallen asleep. About 30 minutes in (Which seemed like 5hrs sleep!), I am abruptly awakened by my toddler who is wildly tugging at my arm and repeatedly saying, "Come on Mommy! Come on!" I totally freaked out! First of all, I didn't even know she had worked her way into my bedroom. Second of all, I was surviving off of about 2 hours sleep. I scooped up my little Mini Me and marched downstairs and let her spend some quality time with "Neena" (My Mom). I stomped back up the stairs and into my room to FINALLY get some sleep, or so I thought. My mind, heart and spirit could not rest. I am usually the positive, super-happy Mommy who considers it a blessing to have such problems. You see, I had a much more serious problem nearly four years ago that sent me into a deep depression...
My husband and I were elated to find out I was pregnant back in July 2010. After a year and a month of the married life, it was nice to take our journey to the next level by adding a member to our little family. Things were going as expected - morning, noon and night sickness and all of the other symptoms that come with the territory of being pregnant. Finally my life-long dream of becoming a Mommy would soon be a reality! I was beyond excited!
I went to my 2nd doctor's appointment with great anticipation. This would be the appointment where my husband and I would get to hear our baby's heartbeat. The doctor placed the fetal Doppler on my belly and began his search. No heartbeat. "Oh this is no reason to be alarmed," he said. "It can be hard to find the baby's heartbeat this early in pregnancy." But this Mommy's instinct told her otherwise. "Can I still have an ultrasound to see the baby? I would be more at ease that way." "Sure," he said. Two hours later we were in the ultrasound room looking into what appeared to be a black hole. Nothing. No baby. Then in comes another doctor to break the news to me. "I'm so sorry but your baby stopped developing at 7 weeks (I was 12 weeks at the time). You have two choices: lose the baby naturally or have a D&C." My husband had to repeat all of this to me because my mind totally left that room once I heard the phrase "Your baby stopped developing..."
So many thoughts raced through my mind. Was it my fault? What did I do wrong? How am I going to tell everyone? Am I unable to have babies? I spiraled into a state of depression for over a year. My emotions didn't turn around until I bought the book "Be Anxious for Nothing" by Joyce Meyer. One night I found myself on the bathroom floor sobbing hysterically and crying out to God, "Father, I want to be a mother so bad, but if it's not your will, I promise to continue to love you and serve you all the days of my life. Your will be done!" I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks later.
Mommies, listen up! I know it gets hard and downright overwhelming, even frustrating at times; and that's putting it mildly! But let's always remember to go back to the time when we would have given almost anything to have sleepless nights with a baby, or to have a toddler yanking on your arm at 6am begging you to get up and play. I don't say this to make you feel bad and go on a guilt trip! Lord knows I went on that ride for a good 30 minutes the other day! However, it didn't take me long to realize I am human; we are all human, Mamas! While it appears that we are Superwomen who can do a million things at once, and with a smile on our faces, sometimes we will crack. When that time comes, just dust yourself off and quickly count your blessings and not your problems. Then keep it moving! ;)
I found your story very touching. Your strength through such a hard time is inspiring to all mothers. I, myself, am a mother of 3 kids- 12,10, and 8 and know the struggles of sleepless nights, scared you're not making the right choices, feeling over whelmed. I sometimes need a reminder to count my blessings. Thank you for sharing!